I mustn't be frustrated in getting what I want and if I am it will be terrible.
All right.
I mustn't be frustrated and getting what I want.
And if I am it will be terrible.
So what happens when we don't get the things that we want.
Sometimes we get angry.
No let's look back at the Ecology emotional IQ model from the end of the last section of the course
was the first emotion that we experience remember.
For more on this we're on this journey.
Otis reenact it.
We're working towards a goal right.
My goal is I want to meet Mr. Albert Ellis.
Here I am some walking along the road good to me.
Good old our good old Albert.
And then someone gets in my way.
All right.
And he trips me over pushes me in the ground.
Then he runs up to Albert shake his hand and takes him way for coffee and I'm left outside in the dark.
I'm gonna be angry I'm gonna be so angry because I want what I want and my goals are the most important
goals in the whole world to me.
And if anyone stands in the way of you and between me getting what I want then they were a bad person.
This is often a perspective that we operate out of.
It's kind of like the only experience where we're off in life.
It's kind of like the six point seven billion people around the world all running around just trying
to get what they want.
And when you know it's the second that someone else gets in the way and prevents us getting what we
want they are barred.
And if we don't get what we want when and where we want it.
This is terrible.
We are perfectly within our rights to get sad or stressed or depressed or anxious and if we don't get
a pay rise when we want that pay rise at work then you know we might as well take six months off in
the SEC because we are entitled to be looked after by our nation's governments if we are fortunate to
have a government that does take this degree of responsibility for people when you can see how one unhelpful
belief will often be backed up and will partner up with other unhelpful beliefs that we have as well.
When I'm under pressure I must be sad and there is nothing that I can do about it.
What was that story I shared about with their lobster when the lobster is swimming a boat in the rock
pools and he starts feeling a little bit of pressure.
No he doesn't go to see the lobster doctor.
He doesn't go to get himself some medication some stress relief.
No he doesn't take six months off work a lobster goes to the bottom of the sea bed.
He finds some rocks he casts off as all his old shell and then he you know gives himself the space to
grow a new shell and then a new shell forms as his mother's body grows and we think about what pressure
is right.
Pressure is just perhaps external demands or other people's expectations.
And this is where personal boundaries comes into play.
All right.
Think about it.
You could have a million people right now all coming at you.
I want this.
I want lights.
You could be on the receiving end of 500 e-mails every single day and hundreds of phone calls.
But guess who's in control of whether they choose to respond or not.
That's right you are.
What's true for you is also true is true for me and our clients.
When people come under pressure.
All right.
Many people have this tendency of getting stressed or I can't meet all the demands of other people because
they must do well and be approved of by everyone or I'm not a good person.
Can we see how that one ties in all right.
When I'm on the pressure I must be sure that there's nothing that I can do about it kind of like I'm
a victim.
All right.
It's a mindset that people buy into the spawns from an unhelpful belief that the have all right.
No this can be learned again from our from our parents.
I remember growing up my my dad was pretty much he spent most of my grown up life in bed stressed or
with my green or a sore back or something like this and and been been raised in Scotland.
The cultural mindset going back sort of you know 30 to 40 years ago was was one of the women stays at
home takes care of the family the man the husband goes out and errands the money to put food on the
table.
And whilst this is okay so you know it's because pretty much you know it has been part of our are our
squash culture for for quite a number of years.
And my dad's pressure and stress came from him doing his best to fulfill what he perceived as being
his duties.
All right so.
So going through my my teens and 20s.
All right.
I still have this issue with pressure and stress or whatever pressure or stress I just get angry.
All right.
I actually developed a criminal record from myself back through my my late teens and early 20s because
I never learned a strategy or a process for managing pressure and stress.
All right when I didn't get what I wanted when I wanted it I would get angry at people because I didn't
know how to self regulate.
Back then I would lash out and get myself into all sorts of problems and trouble.
So what we're seeing here is that when we feel pressure many people and we have the options don't we.
We can flight.
We can fight.
We can freeze.
We can fly.
We can do what we want and how we choose to respond to the pressure that we experience on a day to day
basis.
It's just going to be based upon our know how we've learned to respond.
Nathan is at attend by our parents by family members by role models.
We've learned all of this before in the past.
Old behavior and attitudes are learned.
All right.
So sometimes people tell you this.
No.
Why yes Why are you sad.
I'm sad because I'm under so much pressure right now.
I'm sad because I don't know how to get what I want.
As wise as making you sad.
Oh I'm sad because I'm entitled to everything that I feel and think that I'm entitled to all right.
Every single feeling every single outcome that people have every single behavior every single attitude.
People will be able to justify.
All right.
It's not about us asking so why do you behave like this.
Why did you say that.
Why did you do that.
All right.
As you've heard us taking a slightly more subtle approach which will become a bit more apparent again
through this communication skills section that will be coming on to in about two sections time from
now when faced with danger.
I must make frantic efforts to avoid it at all cost.
So basically what I don't want to do is do anything that's going to get me outside of the comfort zone
or outside of the safety zone.
I definitely don't want to take any risks.
No air currents family I.
Very interesting conversation with a certain member of Current's family once.
I think it was Christmas around about two years ago.
And have you ever had a conversation with someone you've just left absolutely speechless.
You just don't know what to say.
Well what I'm aware of current is family and they're very very different from from from my family.
All right.
Remember Karen pretty much brought up and raised in the Church of Scotland.
I was brought up and raised in the military in the army.
So me having been to all sorts of places around the world Kuwait Saudi Arabia Oman Iraq in the last
Gulf War.
And I think I was having a conversation we're having a conversation I was telling a story about something
that I got up to in Iraq and I think we're talking about a few dead bodies or one of the jobs I was
given was to sweep up and I think it was Basra airport once and it was bits of lamb and bits of body
all over the place.
Not a particularly nice job.
And this particular member of Khan's families Basra airport Iraq was it safe and as as I can.
Good.
Good one.
Until I realized this person was totally serious because you know their frame of reference was that
when faced with danger I must make frantic efforts to avoid at all costs.
Whatever we do we can't do anything it's dangerous and life must be safe.
Must keep children safe must keep everyone safe because it's just good to be safe in life.
Whereas me and I can I enjoyed a little bit of risk.
I enjoyed being in the danger zone because I found it a little bit exciting to be honest with you.
And here I am being presented with this question you know Iraq.
The Gulf War to a war zone.
People are getting killed.
Was safe.
How do you keep yourself safe.
I says this wasn't a Sunday service.
I'm not talking about no religious attendance here but it's just the beliefs that people operate out
of.
They can sometimes result in people saying and doing things sometimes to us might seem completely ludicrous
and insane but to people all right they are normal is their normal right.
What they believe to be true is 19 or 10 gonna be their truth.
Right.
Here we go another one and again there are you fallen on I hope you can at least relate to some of this
stuff right.
The only way that we grow and life is when we can identify flaws and imperfections within ourselves
and grow beyond them.
All right.
Sometimes awareness is there as the starting point of all growth isn't it.
I could avoid being responsible and I can avoid life's difficulties and still be fulfilled.
All right.
No.
How will we know when we identify someone or come into contact with someone who is operating from this
unhelpful belief I can avoid being responsible and I can avoid all of life's difficulties and challenges
and still be fulfilled.
Well just how many people do you know who are in the pursuit of happiness.
How do you just want to be happy.
Oh I just want to be happy.
I'm entitled to feel happy.
I just want to have a nice time and people who would say that happiness is better than fulfillment.
All right.
No this isn't a debate.
It's not something that's even worthy of a debate.
All right.
The fact of the matter is that fulfillment is better than happiness.
All right.
How do I know this because I've experienced it.
All right.
I work with many people in the past and I've worked with many people in the past who just want to feel
happy just when I feel happy and disabled.
OK so what's your proposal.
What were anxious steps to be taken so far.
What are you actually doing about this.
You want to feel a certain feel and so what are you doing about it that's what is your strategy honestly.
Oh I've tried chanting mantras I've tried this technique I've tried that technique I've tried this I've
tried the next thing I said Have you ever considered adding value to other people's lives making a valid
viable contribution in society ever and yet you ever tried being really creative creating something
that's going to add value to the world in some way.
Nine times out of ten.
Oh no no.
I can't even focus on any of these things right now because it just what if you were happy.
All right.
Sometimes people can't see too far beyond themselves.
Instant gratification needs.
All right and responsibility breeds empowerment.
And until a person takes responsibility for themselves and until a person takes responsibility for adding
value to the world being who they are owning their own stuff they're never going to experience the fulfillment
from actually comes through us.
No one had been able to identify that would actually make a difference in some way.
All right.
This is one of these facts of life right.
Seriously we all have a starting point.
We all have an end.
A lot of people do a great job of over intellectualizing life you know.
Good theoretical and highly academic but the fact of the matter is this.
We're born we're going to die if we don't do something that aren't a little bit of value makes a difference
in people's lives through the time that we're here.
We are never going to experience fulfillment.
All right.
Full stop.
That's just one of these universal facts.
But many people will struggle will know argue and debate with this one.
So the past is a most crucial part of my life and it dictates everything that I do.
I probably don't need to unpack this and too much more depth.
We've kind of already explored this haven't we.
Many people operate from this idea that the past equals the future i.e. of hard loads of hearts and
those rejections in the past.
I've got all these table legs proc and propping up my big fat dirty stinking Kipper my rice and all
that I can expect more of in the future is what I've already heard in the past.
So therefore what's the point in me taking any risks or stepping on the slate of the comfort zone or
are doing anything different because I am doomed to experience more in the future of that which I've
experienced in the past.
And it seems really extreme I'm obviously dramatizing all of this but how many people do you know that
seriously dramatize that lifes life's all right around ninety nine point nine percent of the world population.
All right.
Hence the reason there is a massive requirement for people like you and I today to help people wake
up to themselves and life and wake up from these dreams and these crazy ideas that many people subscribe
to embolden base their lives on the past is history.
Yesterday's history tomorrow's a mystery today is a gaffe.
It's kind of like the present isn't it.
All right.
The way that I like to look at the past is for the purpose of just simply learning lessons.
All right and we can all do this.
We learn the lessons from the past that allow us to make more well-informed decisions in our future.
All right.
It's only a fool who would continue to act and behave in the same way as what they always have done
whilst expecting a different outcome.
But how many people go through the process of going round and round in circles like that and behave
in the same way for anything up to a lifetime.
The approach and the attitude to take towards the relationships the approach the attitude that they
take towards work and I'm entitled to everything that I feel that I'm entitled to.
Fantastic.
And how is enough that you have entitlements serving you in life.
See this Lee is attracting lot of people to you that people just really love being in your company or
are you struggling a little bit on the relational front because if you are struggling a little bit well
you can point that little wizard finger of yours in all sorts directions or you can point to a little
bit closer to home all right responsibility breeds empowerment when we start owning our stuff.
People cannot hurt my feelings and they must ensure that item in happy.
All right so people cannot hurt me.
People cannot make me sad.
All right.
People have can't see anything that insults me.
It's kind of like the idea that everyone else is responsible for how I feel.
Not me right.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and you see this person hurt my feelings.
Not person said something they hurt my feelings this person over here they've done this thing.
How does hurt my feelings it made me sad.
Well it's kind of crazy isn't it because we're all going through life.
How much time do you actually spend thinking and focusing on other people's feelings.
I'm going to suggest most likely not too much time at all.
Why.
Because road driven and governed by our own most of the time.
So here's the thing.
The fact of the matter is especially if we're going to buy into some of those ideas from the last section
of the course.
Thoughts produce feelings or feelings.
Ultimately determine whether we react to respond to the circumstances and situations that we face.
So it's our emotions that trigger our our habits our responses or our actions.
And it's ultimately our actions and behaviors that determine the outcomes that we experience more off
in life.
So at what point in this equation is it physically possible for other people to heart my feelings.
People do know or are not heart by other people right.
No one in this world who could harm me right is me that hurts me.
It's my interpretation of other people's motives that hurts me.
If I assume that people are out to get me if I assume that people are against me.
If I arrive at conclusions this person hates me I'm not good enough because that person doesn't give
me what I want.
That of course I'm going to struggle with some problematic emotions but no one else is hurting me right.
I am hurting me through the quality of the caliber of my thinking all right and it's ideas like this.
When we when we embrace them we can move beyond a lot of this stuff.
All right.
So as life coaches one of the greatest things we can do is really encourage a client to take responsibility
and ownership of themselves and say you know what.
There's absolutely no one in this world who can hurt me there's no one in this world who can hurt my
feelings or make me sad.
I am the one who hurts my feelings.
I'm the one who makes me sad when I think unhelpful thoughts and an assume unhelpful assumptions last
but not least I will be happy in life by making as little effort as I can if I can just you know do
nothing and sit back and wait.
Everything on what out in the end.
All right.
Come on.
I know that a large number of people watching this video right now will have read books such as the
secret.
I think that was one of the first.
Even if you could even call a self-help book I'm not sure of as self-help when the first books I ever
read before kind of taking coaching and helping disciplines personal growth.
Seriously I remember watching this DVD with the book and there's a couple of guys on the video and they're
just seeing how little Jimmy right.
Little Jimmy really wanted to bank and what he really wanted the bank he wanted the bike so that what
little Jimmy done was he just manifested debts he had this picture in his mind and then he just gave
it up to the universe and so universe I want a bike.
Then Jimmy woke up the next day and has a bike.
I would say he has I would say that's how you saw the Bourne like the universe had just come down from
exist in the universe and bought a bike.
What a crock nonsense all right.
Seriously.
All right.
We will not be happy in life by making as little effort as we can.
We cannot manifest things to be in by doing absolutely zip.
All right.
Actions produce outcomes.
This is one of these world global universal truths and facts.
Is this one fact that separates the haves from the have nots.
People who go on to accomplish great things from people who go on to have opinions about those people
who go on to accomplish great things.
All right.
We will not be happy in life by making no effort.
We will become fulfilled in life when we are rewarded for our efforts we become fulfilled in life.
When we see that our efforts are making a positive difference in the lives of other people.
And you will come to identify as a life coach that once you start practicing and building into your
life some of these ideas that I'm sharing with you with other people and you'll start make a difference
with them.
And also you will experience this fulfillment that I'm talking about.
So these are just some of the ideas that a good old Alberta used to he should talk about.
I find them interesting.
Right.
We could talk about this stuff for hours.
These are just 13 of the most unhelpful ideas that people subscribe to in life.
And I guarantee on some level every single client that you work with moving forward will be buying into
one or more of them more often than not many of them as the old kind of pretty much become the table
legs under pen the big fat dirty stinking kippers that people build and base their lives on.
Here with me so attached to this video and the additional material section you're going to find and
able to access a workbook called the mistaken beliefs workbook or I'm going to urge you know to spend
around about 10 15 20 minutes spend as much time as you want to go school through this resource and
see if you can identify any beliefs or outlooks on life that you might have subscribed to at some point
in the past or that you might even be subscribing to today.
They're just in seven year arsehole because if you can identify those areas and those beliefs those
those those ideas then you can start moving beyond them today.